grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Where is the hickey?
In America we eat man semen.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
