i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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