I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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