He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I did not marry a roomba.
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