Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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