We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
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When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
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Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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