4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
