my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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