Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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