I met the friendliest cop last night
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
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