So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
