Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
