Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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