do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
