I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Farmville is her only friend.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
