Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
