all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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