I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
