The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
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Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
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Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
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After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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