She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
