I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
