If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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