Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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