Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
