I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
