I cannot find my penis.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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