totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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