she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
