He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
