If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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