I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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