i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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