There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
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I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
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I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize