I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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