Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Randomize
