If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
