I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
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