Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize