I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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