I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
