i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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