My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
