My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
