The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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