I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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