My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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