You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
