Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
