Dual....:-)
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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