God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
