Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes