I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I wish there were birth control emojis
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.