I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
