her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
