I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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