fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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