lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
