I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
