Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
