New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
