Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
