4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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